Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

Dear brain,
recently I have noticed that are there as a recording device. You know times in my life when I was happy, times when I was sad, times when I was in between. It is all recorded there in your book. When something happens that my heart does not desire I write it down in a separate volume and put it on the shelf to age and collect dust. These volumes however are incomplete, I have choosen for what-ever reason to neglect these areas and put on a straight face until the devistating time when say one or two of these volumes fall off the shelf bringing back heart wrenching memories. Is it at this time that I have to re-read the chapters of my life and present a plausible solution? I don't think that I have to do this so I can remove these volumes from the shelf, but I do think that I do have to re-visit and come to a place where although they are devistating memories they have no hold on me in the present. Also I don't just have to re-read them but I also have to go through it and finish writing in the pages, whether it means confronting a friend who hurt me, or thanking someone for their support.
My life is renewed in Christ, he has made me whole, and yet I have an emptyness inside of me. This emptyness is not because of the contents of my past because I have been saved by grace, but simply because I have refused to give it up to the Lord, or leave it at the alter without looking back. What is it like to trust someone else with the volumes of my life? And then I find out that he does not only want the books I've written in the past but he also wants a pen some fresh ink and a blank piece of paper to write the current and future biography of Jeremy Peterson.
So hopelessly I look back at despair, remember what my life has consisted of and walk down the rabbit holes of my plan. What is the hold up? Shouldn't I be more reasonable to trust a seasoned trail guide to get me to the opening of the forest? So many times I have seen him walking, guiding me and then I saw off to the side a great deer of my past pain, telling me that I'm no good, taunting me to let it effect me. And So I follow it, walking off of the trail and keeping my eyes on the deer that draws me deeper into the forest that I am unfamiliar with. When I realize what has happened I am so far away from the trail that there is only darkness around me. The deer is still taunting me and laughing at my gullibity to focus on the past instead of the future. The deer knows that the past can have an affect on my character and the actions I take in the future and so it continues to taunt me.
"The trail is nearer than you think," a gentle voice whispers. I look around but it seems that there isn't anyone close by, my eyes are still focused on the deer, my heart is there also. "The deer is not the problem," I hear the voice again, "let it go and follow me. She will only lead you deeper into this dangerous forest of despair." "Where are you? Who are you?" I cry, "show yourself." "You already have seen me before you turned and followed the deer, I tell you the truth, my yoke is easy and my burden is light, if you follow me I will lead you out of this dark forest, and break the curse the deer has on you. Lay down your burdens and I will carry them, give me your past for you will be forgiven, come to me and I will never leave you or forsake you," came His reply. "Do you really honor all these things you promise?" I asked. "Yes, follow me weary brother, I will take your pack and help you to walk, come and live in the present with me. I have tracked you like a lost lamb from my flock, come let us rejoice that you are found." I stopped, the deer was looking back at me, telling me to follow. But no she offered me no promises, I only followed out of fear, who was this man who offered me such peace? My heart became clear of the decision, "Trail master, I accept, I need you to help me, I want you to be the guide in my journey. Here take my pack, and my burdens, with your strength and knowledge we shall make it out of the dark forest of despair. Please forgive me of my past, and take my hand, I believe that when I travel down your road I will get to the clearing of the forest and walk in the light." At that moment it seemed like everything stopped, a light came down from the sky and it pierced my heart, and I felt a change from the inside out, my burdens were taken my past forgiven, and my heart was filled with peace. The whisper came again "Come with me." My eyes were opened and I saw the deer for the last time, walking among a deep forest with tangling vines and swamps all around me. I blinked and I was on the path again, there before me was the trail guide with his hand outreached to me, and he said "You are forgiven, now lay down everything and follow me." I was liberated! We weren't quite out of the forest yet but there was a light that surrounded us, and the deer couldn't even come near us. Even though we weren't out of the forest yet I somehow knew that we would make it through, and that with my trail master as my guide we would meet others who are following deers into their pasts, and we would meet them and direct them out of the swamps and strangling vines onto the path that leads to restoration and protection from the evil and dark forest of despair.
And so I close this book, hopefully completing a volume in my life allowing Christ to come in and fill it with the miracles and reminding me of the wonders that he has done in my life. Although I stumble, and I sometimes look back, I make mistakes and sometimes try to veer off the trail following a prize deer, my guide Christ is always there with me faithfully bringing me back on track helping me to complete my collection of books that make up my life. He has since restored their binding scotch guarded their pages and made concluding endings. He has brought me back to chapters that I once felt were so miniscule but now know it is part of what has made me strong, has contributed to my character, and that Christ has changed my attitude so I may share what he has done in my life, so they might believe and be restored as well.