Thursday, March 03, 2005
Destined to Fall in Love
I almost fear to fall in love. Everytime I do the walls just crumble around me. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I just act all wrong, or maybe my timing sucks. I don't know.
I've been falling in love since I was a little baby. My dad would take me for a walk and in the malls (especially on escalators) I'd see a pretty blonde (or at least she'd have awesome hair - I'm not sure I'd have a concept of pretty back then) and grab her hair. Dad would always be the victim of my crime, but for a moment I'd flirt with what I was good at - touch. This disease spilled over into kindergarten where I kissed my first girl - Tracey. She sat next to me on the taped circle and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as a friend - we kissed later as tweens just before she moved. I wonder where she is and how life was for her. In grade 2 I kissed another girl, Stacey, on the lips and this time we had a witness as a teacher walked in while we were experimenting. My first date was the summer before my grade 7 year - Tina and I were volunteers at a reading program and noone showed up this day so we hurled books and insults at each other until I had to leave because the girl to guy ratio was 3 to 1 (three of them and just me). That night she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a show and we chose Spaceballs (the great classic film).
The first girl I seriously dated was in my 3rd year of University, Erin - she messed up my life (if it wasn't messed up before). She had high expectations of guys and I tried to be everyone of them. Many other things changed until I wasn't recognizable. Now we can't call her the anti-Christ because she got me to slow down on my drinking and stop doing drugs. When it was done I would know what a relationship felt like and would be cursed with the "knowledge of good and evil". That relationship ended 9 years ago this month.
A friend of mine one said - "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I told him to leave the room before I threw him through the plate glass window in our living room. Friendship has never left me and I'm soooo greatful for my friends. God is amazing but just as when I was clowning around their was a hole in my heart for him, there is a hole in my heart craving a relationship. I am content. I love my family, my friends, God and the opportunities show my love to them, but every now and then - maybe its timing, maybe its just seeing a memory of a distance past, maybe its lust that I need to repent for - I hurt and I remember and I know that something else should be there that isn't.
I've been falling in love since I was a little baby. My dad would take me for a walk and in the malls (especially on escalators) I'd see a pretty blonde (or at least she'd have awesome hair - I'm not sure I'd have a concept of pretty back then) and grab her hair. Dad would always be the victim of my crime, but for a moment I'd flirt with what I was good at - touch. This disease spilled over into kindergarten where I kissed my first girl - Tracey. She sat next to me on the taped circle and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as a friend - we kissed later as tweens just before she moved. I wonder where she is and how life was for her. In grade 2 I kissed another girl, Stacey, on the lips and this time we had a witness as a teacher walked in while we were experimenting. My first date was the summer before my grade 7 year - Tina and I were volunteers at a reading program and noone showed up this day so we hurled books and insults at each other until I had to leave because the girl to guy ratio was 3 to 1 (three of them and just me). That night she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a show and we chose Spaceballs (the great classic film).
The first girl I seriously dated was in my 3rd year of University, Erin - she messed up my life (if it wasn't messed up before). She had high expectations of guys and I tried to be everyone of them. Many other things changed until I wasn't recognizable. Now we can't call her the anti-Christ because she got me to slow down on my drinking and stop doing drugs. When it was done I would know what a relationship felt like and would be cursed with the "knowledge of good and evil". That relationship ended 9 years ago this month.
A friend of mine one said - "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I told him to leave the room before I threw him through the plate glass window in our living room. Friendship has never left me and I'm soooo greatful for my friends. God is amazing but just as when I was clowning around their was a hole in my heart for him, there is a hole in my heart craving a relationship. I am content. I love my family, my friends, God and the opportunities show my love to them, but every now and then - maybe its timing, maybe its just seeing a memory of a distance past, maybe its lust that I need to repent for - I hurt and I remember and I know that something else should be there that isn't.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
hmmm...no interesting title here
Wow, I really don't have a lot to write about. I am leading a boring life right now. I am at home for reading week. It has definately been an interesting week so far. I feel like I have no time for myself. Oh well, these things happen. Maybe tomorrow night I will be able to relax. I have been trying to spend more time thinking and spending time with God. It hasn't really worked too well. I am starting to realize that my family is somewhat disfunctional. It has been really hard to be at home. This is the place where there is so much oppression. I don't know what it is about here...it just seems to oppressive. I am having a hard time dealing with it though because I know that I am going to be living here over the summer. I really love me family but its like I can't seem to get away from the discouragement. I don't know what to do about it. I dunno...maybe things will change. I keep thinking it will but it always seems to be worse. Do I have too high of expectations of them?? I don't think I do. I mean all I do is ask for a little respect and some encouraging words. Is that too much to ask?? Do I need to defend myself and my calling all the time? I'm just frustrated I guess. I am told all the time that I shouldn't be in bible college becuase I never show interest in what I do and my marks don't show it and stuff like that. grrr! I feel like I can never do anything right. If I get B's it should have been A's. just that kind of thing. I try hard in school. I am frustrated that I can't seem to get above a 2.3 GPA. I just feel like giving up somedays. Oh well..life goes on.
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