Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

Dear brain,
recently I have noticed that are there as a recording device. You know times in my life when I was happy, times when I was sad, times when I was in between. It is all recorded there in your book. When something happens that my heart does not desire I write it down in a separate volume and put it on the shelf to age and collect dust. These volumes however are incomplete, I have choosen for what-ever reason to neglect these areas and put on a straight face until the devistating time when say one or two of these volumes fall off the shelf bringing back heart wrenching memories. Is it at this time that I have to re-read the chapters of my life and present a plausible solution? I don't think that I have to do this so I can remove these volumes from the shelf, but I do think that I do have to re-visit and come to a place where although they are devistating memories they have no hold on me in the present. Also I don't just have to re-read them but I also have to go through it and finish writing in the pages, whether it means confronting a friend who hurt me, or thanking someone for their support.
My life is renewed in Christ, he has made me whole, and yet I have an emptyness inside of me. This emptyness is not because of the contents of my past because I have been saved by grace, but simply because I have refused to give it up to the Lord, or leave it at the alter without looking back. What is it like to trust someone else with the volumes of my life? And then I find out that he does not only want the books I've written in the past but he also wants a pen some fresh ink and a blank piece of paper to write the current and future biography of Jeremy Peterson.
So hopelessly I look back at despair, remember what my life has consisted of and walk down the rabbit holes of my plan. What is the hold up? Shouldn't I be more reasonable to trust a seasoned trail guide to get me to the opening of the forest? So many times I have seen him walking, guiding me and then I saw off to the side a great deer of my past pain, telling me that I'm no good, taunting me to let it effect me. And So I follow it, walking off of the trail and keeping my eyes on the deer that draws me deeper into the forest that I am unfamiliar with. When I realize what has happened I am so far away from the trail that there is only darkness around me. The deer is still taunting me and laughing at my gullibity to focus on the past instead of the future. The deer knows that the past can have an affect on my character and the actions I take in the future and so it continues to taunt me.
"The trail is nearer than you think," a gentle voice whispers. I look around but it seems that there isn't anyone close by, my eyes are still focused on the deer, my heart is there also. "The deer is not the problem," I hear the voice again, "let it go and follow me. She will only lead you deeper into this dangerous forest of despair." "Where are you? Who are you?" I cry, "show yourself." "You already have seen me before you turned and followed the deer, I tell you the truth, my yoke is easy and my burden is light, if you follow me I will lead you out of this dark forest, and break the curse the deer has on you. Lay down your burdens and I will carry them, give me your past for you will be forgiven, come to me and I will never leave you or forsake you," came His reply. "Do you really honor all these things you promise?" I asked. "Yes, follow me weary brother, I will take your pack and help you to walk, come and live in the present with me. I have tracked you like a lost lamb from my flock, come let us rejoice that you are found." I stopped, the deer was looking back at me, telling me to follow. But no she offered me no promises, I only followed out of fear, who was this man who offered me such peace? My heart became clear of the decision, "Trail master, I accept, I need you to help me, I want you to be the guide in my journey. Here take my pack, and my burdens, with your strength and knowledge we shall make it out of the dark forest of despair. Please forgive me of my past, and take my hand, I believe that when I travel down your road I will get to the clearing of the forest and walk in the light." At that moment it seemed like everything stopped, a light came down from the sky and it pierced my heart, and I felt a change from the inside out, my burdens were taken my past forgiven, and my heart was filled with peace. The whisper came again "Come with me." My eyes were opened and I saw the deer for the last time, walking among a deep forest with tangling vines and swamps all around me. I blinked and I was on the path again, there before me was the trail guide with his hand outreached to me, and he said "You are forgiven, now lay down everything and follow me." I was liberated! We weren't quite out of the forest yet but there was a light that surrounded us, and the deer couldn't even come near us. Even though we weren't out of the forest yet I somehow knew that we would make it through, and that with my trail master as my guide we would meet others who are following deers into their pasts, and we would meet them and direct them out of the swamps and strangling vines onto the path that leads to restoration and protection from the evil and dark forest of despair.
And so I close this book, hopefully completing a volume in my life allowing Christ to come in and fill it with the miracles and reminding me of the wonders that he has done in my life. Although I stumble, and I sometimes look back, I make mistakes and sometimes try to veer off the trail following a prize deer, my guide Christ is always there with me faithfully bringing me back on track helping me to complete my collection of books that make up my life. He has since restored their binding scotch guarded their pages and made concluding endings. He has brought me back to chapters that I once felt were so miniscule but now know it is part of what has made me strong, has contributed to my character, and that Christ has changed my attitude so I may share what he has done in my life, so they might believe and be restored as well.

Dr. Jeremy, I have heard that term before, mostly by others but now it seems to be a voice inside of me that speaks it. How did I get this title? I guess it may have started with my desire to help people who are in need, although when this nic-name has been spoken it hasn't always been in the positive conotation. So where does my battle lie? Do this mean that no matter what I do I'm not good enough? For sure I have thought about that. And then I think, well if they have that opinion then maybe it is their problem, maybe I am the sane one, I mean I do desire order, don't I?

My practice has continued over the years, contless numbers of people asking questions, and I have hoped that I am giving them the realistic heart felt answers that they need. But what is my opinion? I care for all these people, but yet I hadn't a clue why it was hard for me. I was their silent help, they came to me in trouble for reasons I don't know why, through highschool, at work, even my friends.
I have always had an attitude that thing that is most inspiring to me is inspiring others, but I have felt unfulfilled, empty and almost dead. Why was it that after the clouds cleared in other people's lives I felt like I was left at a stand still? I felt that all these peoples lives were advancing and they were leaving me in the dust. As I searched deep within myself to find the answer to this question the regular attack came, "Where's my help? Whose going to notice me? Doesn't anyone actually know who I am? You don't have answers for these people, this all about you!" Break free of me oh evil words, when has discouraging words like these ever been right?
I have been pursevering and have found some answers to my questions that plague me, it may not be that I am doing the wrong thing, just that I have been looking at it wrong. All the people that I have ever helped or counciled or encouraged have all come to me, they have taken the initiative, and have sought out the help that they saw fit, if not they would not come back. What was I doing? I was isolating myself from the world that I saught comfort from, I was curled (and still do) into the fetal position trying to ignore my problems and the lies that loomed over me. What was different is that where my "patients" have been humble, let it all out and have trusted me, I have not been humble, I let none of it out for fear of being exposed or for fear of not being accepted and I have trusted no one.
What is my problem? Why am I different? Why don't I trust? Why do I believe the lies that say I am not delivered? I think I will go back to where I was talking about helping other people and yet not being fulfilled. It wasn't that I didn't care about them, I love them, so we see that it isn't my heart that is in wrong motive. But wait a minute, why am I helping these people anyway? Is it because I care about them? Definately, but my wanting to help them connects to the word fix, and that doesn't really mix with my personality. My problem was my hidden attitude, it wasn't a prejudice, or that I thought these people were failures, stupid, unmovable or rejects, it was that I felt they needed to be fixed and this is where I have failed myself (hopefully to realize this point) that I have a gift to help people, but it is not because they need to be fixed but rather that they are seeking comfort, they don't necessarily need me to do all the work in their lives that's why they have God. My feelings of inadequecy are centered upon my life of work. I have submitted my life to serving others (the road less travelled), I have tried to keep a positive attitude through it the whole time, and that hasn't always been easy although I got out alive, but I faced a deeper depression then anyone that vented with me at the end of the day, I felt that I was made and was required to do these things, almost as if the world would fall apart without my council.
Another part of my self-synopsis is that I too have felt that I need to be fixed, that I lie around broken, and need fixing, but these are all lies, the turth is that I have been made into a new creation by God, which means that he has restored any organs, my brain, my feelings, and through this transition has changed who I am. But I do still lay around, indulging in the lies of my own wholeness. So when I have these feelings of needing to be fixed what can I derive from it? If I look at my past I would bring forward many times that I have been hurt, abandoned, disappointed, let down, lied to, abused, throttled, questioned, taken for granted, forgotten, bullied, rough housed, judged, pranked, laughed at and emotionally beaten. As I think of all these times it is as if each time was broken into little pieces, in my heart and this is because I have let it slide and called off investigation, therefore these pieces have been left under the carpet and in the back of the truck still waiting to be uncovered. But what authority does my past have on my life? None, Christ has authority on my life and Christ alone. So really when it comes down to it, it isn't about the past having a hold on me, it is about me believing the lies of the enemy and me being blinded to the truth of the authority of the cross.
So in conclusion I would like to say, in the name of Jesus I bind my life, and put it at the cross. I will sacrifice all that I am to spread your holy name. And when I fall you will be near, my voice you hear and come. I will declare that I am not broken, the change in me is done. And through the cross no evil stand, nor man not bow down, because I was giving eternal life and on my head was put his crown. So when I am decieved and don't believe I'm lost in the middle of the ocean. It will spark my mind and make me glad that Christ is still in motion.

I will hold true to God, and the Lord will save me from my despair, and the lies I've tunnled myself into. So brothers and sisters, the thing I ask is that you will pray for me, to break free from darkness, because doubt in a feable mind can cause destruction to the whole mind.
So as I wounder about this ordeal of who is in the chair, I turn to God and ask him and find he was always there!

The Bible says "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" (Psalm 98:4) but today I heard sounds that must even stretch the ears of heaven. People with no gift of singing being led by a rookie choir leader and trying to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. Please note the key there was trying and it was - on the ears, funny bone, and ankle (I got kicked for laughing too hard).

I've always wondered how God responds when we "try" as did the choir today. The Angels, they've got to be thinking incrediously yet again "God you chose them over us!?!" and Jesus we know is laughing Himself silly at the right hand of God because He spent time as one of us and understands the concept of "trying". But God what does he think?

[I guess I've chosen a theological discussion here and we could argue the nature of God, but I will stay with what I've read in the Bible and stay true to the character throughout the Old Testiment and continued into the New.]

The highest power on this planet and universe, created the stars in the sky, and gave us breath (and honestly could take it away if he felt we were being blaphemous in our attempt). This is the Alpha and Omega who someday will bring judgement, but today is looking for who will be obedient as they go through the struggles of life. So what did God see today? I think God saw us as a parent watching His kids running and playing and running to and fro. Unlike the insecure parent who runs out and corrects how they play, He sits back and watches with a tear in His eye knowing "I created that! Thank you for being obedient choir, thank you for worshipping Me!"

Well, I finally figured out how to post, but I just accidentally erased the whole thing. Attempt #2:

I've been thinking a lot about Lent lately, and about the significance of Jesus' life and death on the cross and resurrection...which is, I guess, what you're supposed to think about during Lent. You fast from some item/activity/specific food in order to help you think about the sacrifices God was willing to make for you. It's more of a catholic tradition, which is why I'm not exactly an expert on it. But I like it, and participate nonetheless.

I'm singing in church this Sunday, and I found this great song that I find appropriate for the Lenten season. But every time I listen to it, I remember the question asked of my religion-major friends back in college. "Why did Jesus die on the cross?" And the answer the professors were looking for was, "Because we put him there."

So the hamster jumps on his wheel and starts running, and I wonder....what is the purpose/significance of the cross? Did Jesus come to earth with the express purpose of dying on the cross as a sacrifice for our sins? Or did he come to earth to show us how to live, how to love? And was the cross more of a consequence or response to the controversy caused?-because you know he stirred people up when he blew all their expectations (dare I say assumptions?) and understandings of what the Messiah's coming would look like.

Anyway, I certainly don't know. And I'm not even sure I have an official opinion about it either. I'm curious to know what some of you are learning, coming from a different theological perspective than mine.

But what about that song? Will I sing it? Yes. It really is beautiful, and will hopefully remind those who hear it of God's awesome love for them-despite my questions about its theological implications. Besides, I don't have time to learn a new one before Sunday anyway! =)

How deep the Father's love for us! How vast beyond all measure, that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure. How great the pain of searing loss! The Father turns His face away as wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulder. Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers. It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished. His dying breath has brought me life. I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ-His death and resurrection. Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom!

~Laura

Well, this week I have learned so much. I have had a lot of stuff on my mind and a lot of confusion about my feelings for a boy and stuff was really getting to me. I prayed about it and through the help of a couple of my friends, and God of course, I came to the conclusion that I have not been focusing on God and I need to focus on Him more than I focus on this boy. I have also learned to trust Him in every situation and that I need to give everything to Him or else life is gonna feel like its falling apart. As the last days have been happening and I am slowly getting my emotions in control and I am letting God take control I feel at peace. Things are not better but I don't feel like a mess of chaotic emotions which is good. I don't feel quite so tense anymore and I have been able to sleep. Its amazing what big of a difference it makes when you let God take control.