Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

Dr. Jeremy, I have heard that term before, mostly by others but now it seems to be a voice inside of me that speaks it. How did I get this title? I guess it may have started with my desire to help people who are in need, although when this nic-name has been spoken it hasn't always been in the positive conotation. So where does my battle lie? Do this mean that no matter what I do I'm not good enough? For sure I have thought about that. And then I think, well if they have that opinion then maybe it is their problem, maybe I am the sane one, I mean I do desire order, don't I?

My practice has continued over the years, contless numbers of people asking questions, and I have hoped that I am giving them the realistic heart felt answers that they need. But what is my opinion? I care for all these people, but yet I hadn't a clue why it was hard for me. I was their silent help, they came to me in trouble for reasons I don't know why, through highschool, at work, even my friends.
I have always had an attitude that thing that is most inspiring to me is inspiring others, but I have felt unfulfilled, empty and almost dead. Why was it that after the clouds cleared in other people's lives I felt like I was left at a stand still? I felt that all these peoples lives were advancing and they were leaving me in the dust. As I searched deep within myself to find the answer to this question the regular attack came, "Where's my help? Whose going to notice me? Doesn't anyone actually know who I am? You don't have answers for these people, this all about you!" Break free of me oh evil words, when has discouraging words like these ever been right?
I have been pursevering and have found some answers to my questions that plague me, it may not be that I am doing the wrong thing, just that I have been looking at it wrong. All the people that I have ever helped or counciled or encouraged have all come to me, they have taken the initiative, and have sought out the help that they saw fit, if not they would not come back. What was I doing? I was isolating myself from the world that I saught comfort from, I was curled (and still do) into the fetal position trying to ignore my problems and the lies that loomed over me. What was different is that where my "patients" have been humble, let it all out and have trusted me, I have not been humble, I let none of it out for fear of being exposed or for fear of not being accepted and I have trusted no one.
What is my problem? Why am I different? Why don't I trust? Why do I believe the lies that say I am not delivered? I think I will go back to where I was talking about helping other people and yet not being fulfilled. It wasn't that I didn't care about them, I love them, so we see that it isn't my heart that is in wrong motive. But wait a minute, why am I helping these people anyway? Is it because I care about them? Definately, but my wanting to help them connects to the word fix, and that doesn't really mix with my personality. My problem was my hidden attitude, it wasn't a prejudice, or that I thought these people were failures, stupid, unmovable or rejects, it was that I felt they needed to be fixed and this is where I have failed myself (hopefully to realize this point) that I have a gift to help people, but it is not because they need to be fixed but rather that they are seeking comfort, they don't necessarily need me to do all the work in their lives that's why they have God. My feelings of inadequecy are centered upon my life of work. I have submitted my life to serving others (the road less travelled), I have tried to keep a positive attitude through it the whole time, and that hasn't always been easy although I got out alive, but I faced a deeper depression then anyone that vented with me at the end of the day, I felt that I was made and was required to do these things, almost as if the world would fall apart without my council.
Another part of my self-synopsis is that I too have felt that I need to be fixed, that I lie around broken, and need fixing, but these are all lies, the turth is that I have been made into a new creation by God, which means that he has restored any organs, my brain, my feelings, and through this transition has changed who I am. But I do still lay around, indulging in the lies of my own wholeness. So when I have these feelings of needing to be fixed what can I derive from it? If I look at my past I would bring forward many times that I have been hurt, abandoned, disappointed, let down, lied to, abused, throttled, questioned, taken for granted, forgotten, bullied, rough housed, judged, pranked, laughed at and emotionally beaten. As I think of all these times it is as if each time was broken into little pieces, in my heart and this is because I have let it slide and called off investigation, therefore these pieces have been left under the carpet and in the back of the truck still waiting to be uncovered. But what authority does my past have on my life? None, Christ has authority on my life and Christ alone. So really when it comes down to it, it isn't about the past having a hold on me, it is about me believing the lies of the enemy and me being blinded to the truth of the authority of the cross.
So in conclusion I would like to say, in the name of Jesus I bind my life, and put it at the cross. I will sacrifice all that I am to spread your holy name. And when I fall you will be near, my voice you hear and come. I will declare that I am not broken, the change in me is done. And through the cross no evil stand, nor man not bow down, because I was giving eternal life and on my head was put his crown. So when I am decieved and don't believe I'm lost in the middle of the ocean. It will spark my mind and make me glad that Christ is still in motion.

I will hold true to God, and the Lord will save me from my despair, and the lies I've tunnled myself into. So brothers and sisters, the thing I ask is that you will pray for me, to break free from darkness, because doubt in a feable mind can cause destruction to the whole mind.
So as I wounder about this ordeal of who is in the chair, I turn to God and ask him and find he was always there!