Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

I almost fear to fall in love. Everytime I do the walls just crumble around me. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I just act all wrong, or maybe my timing sucks. I don't know.

I've been falling in love since I was a little baby. My dad would take me for a walk and in the malls (especially on escalators) I'd see a pretty blonde (or at least she'd have awesome hair - I'm not sure I'd have a concept of pretty back then) and grab her hair. Dad would always be the victim of my crime, but for a moment I'd flirt with what I was good at - touch. This disease spilled over into kindergarten where I kissed my first girl - Tracey. She sat next to me on the taped circle and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as a friend - we kissed later as tweens just before she moved. I wonder where she is and how life was for her. In grade 2 I kissed another girl, Stacey, on the lips and this time we had a witness as a teacher walked in while we were experimenting. My first date was the summer before my grade 7 year - Tina and I were volunteers at a reading program and noone showed up this day so we hurled books and insults at each other until I had to leave because the girl to guy ratio was 3 to 1 (three of them and just me). That night she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a show and we chose Spaceballs (the great classic film).

The first girl I seriously dated was in my 3rd year of University, Erin - she messed up my life (if it wasn't messed up before). She had high expectations of guys and I tried to be everyone of them. Many other things changed until I wasn't recognizable. Now we can't call her the anti-Christ because she got me to slow down on my drinking and stop doing drugs. When it was done I would know what a relationship felt like and would be cursed with the "knowledge of good and evil". That relationship ended 9 years ago this month.

A friend of mine one said - "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I told him to leave the room before I threw him through the plate glass window in our living room. Friendship has never left me and I'm soooo greatful for my friends. God is amazing but just as when I was clowning around their was a hole in my heart for him, there is a hole in my heart craving a relationship. I am content. I love my family, my friends, God and the opportunities show my love to them, but every now and then - maybe its timing, maybe its just seeing a memory of a distance past, maybe its lust that I need to repent for - I hurt and I remember and I know that something else should be there that isn't.