Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

Why doesn't my life make sense? I lead a happy life, hold the door for...everyone and I do my homework...mostly. At the end of the day most anyone could attest that I am the guy that is happy. But is it enough? There is a certain hit I take for being a happy person, and I've grown to realize that it is the degree that I take things. The common pharse "Sweeping it under the carpet" is almost a metaphor for my life. I have done it so many times that I do it now without even noticing. I read that "Out of all the saddest words these are the saddest, 'What might have been.'" I look at these words and I feel an impression on my heart, one of pain like a trapped person trying to break free. My outside features are that of a happy, together, willing to serve guy, friendly to everyone. On the inside what I see to be blemishes and extreme insecurities: fear of abandonment; super shyness; streams of depression (more in the past); fear of expressing myself to others (which has been a road block when it comes to bringing friendship to a personal level); a lack of ability to cry (when I know I need the release but just can't seem to do it); and a doubt of myself (even though I know I can accomplish pretty much anything I dedicate my time to). So here I have layed out what seems to be my short-comings...or are they? Is it possible that deep underneath all of these, way deeper are actual situations that triggered them? Of course it is! But I have forgotten, why would I stick around five minutes to find out what the feeling feels like? The problem is that because I have ignored them for so long I have developed many layers to work through. I mentioned earlier about the "Carpet sweeping" idea, but I think that it is insufficient, it needs a little extra description. When my parents bought their house in Powell River there was carpet all over the place, and we decided to lift that carpet. To our surpirse we found there was linoleum under it, so we lifted the carpet. I see that not only is this sweeping job under the carpet, but it is also under the linoleum - semi-permanent. Although it is covered by carpet one thing we can know for certain is that this linoleum definately changes the texture of the floor and definately the hardwood underneath. So this is where I have come to a conclusion; I may be insecure and have a fear of abandonment, but are those permanent? Or is it like the linoleum that is only semi-permanent and seems permanent? So the next process I have begun in my life is to start ripping up of the linoleum. A messy job, a timely job and most of all a painful job. During the summer I did this in my house for three weeks, on only one room and it was all of the above. But here is the motivation, when the job is complete and the surface has been properly protected with sealer it will not only look beautiful and genuine but I will be able to sweep stuff right off the surface and into the garbage. In conclusion, I have opened a wound that is infected, but I now know what will disinfect it: discovery, and the healing power of God. If I seem a little more vulnerable then usual that is probably because I am. I have started this weary task and I can already tast the pain and I think that I only have the carpet mostly off...