Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

I was just reading last year's Valentines Day preblog and here I am doing 2009's post Valentine's Day blog. I am happy to find myself feeling the same. A friend of mine and her boyfriend even brokeup for Valentine's Day (yes even I found that strange, yet at the same time awakening). Why do we rebel so much about a day?

Its not the day that is materialistic, but the people celebrating the day. Do the cards make Valentine's Day materialistic? Do the romantic dinners make the day wrong? I agree if expectation forces behaviour then I do have a problem on the overall process; but, shouldn't we want to give and show love just as I discussed last year?

I even forgot for a few minutes it was Valentines Day and as a friend's girlfriend feverously cooked over a stove for a quiet date night it took myself to remember to get out of there so they could have that night together. I thank those who don't remind me daily I am single and make it comfortable to be in a world where that is so.

I don't know about you but I have this pride factor about being right. It has always existed to a fault. I make it and you are either this way or not. As I've gotten older I've tried to let people know they can think different but when push comes to shove my point is always sharp.

I've been listening to the Timberland song "Apologize" where they say "Its too late to apologize!" The songs starts by talking about a person who yet again has been verbally beat up - like so many of my victims - and then the victimizer turns to them and says sorry. This song mirrors another song I have always loved and believed called "More than Words".

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

More than Words is where the singer takes the right to say "I love you" away from someone and the measures their "love" based on how they are treated. This is sort of juvenile but at the same time I see an opportunity for us to love like we mean it.

What does this mean for me who slipped again? Well I'm confused about what I believed was so hurtful, but I am sorry I hurt someone. If I wasn't at least remorseful then I'd be really scared of whom I've become. The tongue is so powerful as it can lift a person up or cut them in half; consistent action with a controlled "bridled" tongue will show value for another person and help us to remember just what love is.

2 Years ago a friend sent me a "Single Awareness Day" t-shirt from Texas. She and all her friends had been making t-shirts as something to do in their singleness. Tomorrow night is our games night and a friend has told me this being the first year of he being single in some time might be staying home to wallow (in his self pity). I must be one seriously screwed up guy, but as much as I would like to have someone to go broke sharing my love I celebrate this opportunity to share love to those who do not have someone (both my guy friends and girlfriends).

One of my favourite songs (Consuming Fire by Tim Hughes) starts out "There must be more than this!" and I agree there has to. If all we are is the love we share with a significant other then HOW SELFISH ARE WE? The world is screwed and we all may as well pack our bags and wait for the end of the world. Valentines Day like Christmas is another opportunity, a reminder, to share love through the little things we do. This is the first year I am not celebrating Lent in about 3 years, yet I seem to be getting with clarity the need for compassion, social just is a much needed thing we too often want to let slide. Probably the best quote of love I have ever heard was "If you see someone in need and have the means to do something about it, but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear."

Today I was talking with a professor friend of mine at the local university and a colleague of his came by and we exchanged pleasantries. What caught my attention most was her reaction when she heard what I did. I can only imagine all the stereotypes going on in her mind. I can only imagine how counter her expectations of a chaplain/outreach worker I was. I hope there was something there in love - something out of the ordinary - I provided to make her day a better day. Its surreal, but that has been my hope for this year in every encounter.

Tomorrow if you are sitting there and are looking for a reason to get up, start with you have a breath and people need you. There is something in you that can bring joy to someone else in word, thought or deed. It may hurt a little to not be exchanging gifts, sharing a meal, or the all famous Valentine's kiss and trust me you are not alone here at all. What I'm suggesting is maybe it is our duty to go out and share love anyways. Let couples celebrate their day (not giving them an excuse to be negligent of others, but let them enjoy each other on this day) and lets share our love in whatever way we can to a hurting and unloved world.

I am really confused right now because of a statement my mother made: "I do hope something really good happens for you soon - it has been a bit of a negative Winter for you so far!" What would you make of a statement like this?

Here are my last 3 months in a nutshell: my car broke down because of something the previous owners failed to do and let me know about AGAIN, I am finding the work I do stressful due to a lack of apparent progress and the amount of work I put into my work, I had my income halved and student loans came due, I only have two local friends I can talk to about finances who are not struggling in financial debt, I just don't seem to have time to do the cleaning I want around my house, it is warming up to -9 Celcius from the -23 it has been the rest of the week, and most of all I miss certain friends who are amazing support and are out of the country working for a while.

That being said I just found another local group to come along side and partner in the street work I and they currently do, needs are being met and financial opportunities are existing (people helping out and I am getting odd jobs and contracts to pay the bills I need to pay) to a point I may be able to get ahead of the debt load in front of me (how?), I have been able to continue to invest my money monthly (I have not cut back here at all) even though I'm on the tightest budget of my life, I am alive (that has to count for something), I am delusionally happy and satisfied, and people are starting to see my effort and put their trust and support with me - this gives me hope.

My message? Basically I keep landing on my feet. I can't explain it, but by not letting things make me get frustrated, I've found contentment and satisfaction. The things I have been most afraid of all my life have become my greatest opportunities. In this case it is surviving when my parents live so far away, yet here I am still alive and plodding along and seeing successes where I haven't expected. I have found the things I thought I wanted most have became my greatest lessons in why I wouldn't want those things at all in the first place. I am not defined by need OR want, but as a person. I have needs but they are not a drive or control me.

If you told me a month or two before this I would be where I was, I would have dug in tighter and fought the need to let go even harder. I think depression would be an understatement and my existence would be dismal. So am I delusional and crazy? Only time will tell whether this turn is a good one. I am grateful for this change in my expectation and the excitement I face each morning as I get up. Yay life!

What do you do to relax? I have a nice cup of tea on a comfy chair while letting my mind fade into the world and let my temporary worries slip away.....

Okay, now we have left the fantasy world for a second - this 1) doesn't work well or 2) for very long. I have found anxiety can over take me VERY easily if I do not take steps to have control of my life. And these don't always work because I have a hard time saying no to friends and even there they want help or advice. I'm very glad I've come to the realization my advice giving isn't a permanent solution, so listening becomes the priority. Of course listening takes time, so the chance to sit on a chair and sip tea is all but gone now. Besides blanking out during conversations with friends or clients (both are not very appreciative when that happens for some reason), time to myself is a hard thing to do without a personal hobbie.

I recently found a new way to relax. Believe it or not gratefulness. As I read, clean, spend time with friends, work, sleep, walk, drive, listen I am grateful. There are any of a dozen reasons to be miserable at a given moment and my friends are precious to me. As this has happened the particular like of who I call a friend has doubled. My needs and wants have decreased amazingly too. I apologize to all who thought I was evoking some sort of torture as I started downsizing my life and stuff, its VERY rewarding. I've learned much about myself during such a period and I can see it will be a longer process than I first thought since I am not just macro downsizing but micro downsizing as I reorganize and reprioritize each issue.

A wise book says:
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Imagine that contentment=relaxation. I know some of you will fight me on this and I am sure there is more to this than just being grateful; but here it is me being relaxed.

So Far, So Good! was the title of Bryan Adam's greatest hits cd from 1993. It was also the first cd I bought when I purchased my cd player from HiFi Express that same year just after I graduated from High School (K if you need the math I'm 32 OK!). Since then I've purchased and parted with thousands of cds - I love music. But that isn't what I've decided to talk about; I'm really interested in the earlier music, the stuff I got on cassette tape in the transition years between records and cd's. In 3 shoe boxes and 1 cassette case I held all of my tapes. Meatloaf's comeback release with the song "I Would Do Anything for Love" or "Objects in the Rearview Mirror"; Van Halen's For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge album (yes, being the naive kid I was missed the acronym sitting before me); Warrant; Damn Yankees; Scorpions; ACDC. The list goes on; each tape had its own memory and each song a specific historical event somewhere in my life.

How do we deal with our history? I mean each of us has a soundtrack running through our skulls of particular music, events, and even world happenings. Still the world turns and we must move on. Why do I bring this up? As I have alluded to in earlier articles I am cleaning up my life through simplification. Though I tend to face life head on I've been finding how much I haven't been dealing with, areas where I just let stuff sit there and gain dust (quite literally if you were to look in some of these boxes). In some ways I've been facing feelings of being a coward, a failure, inept; however, as I've faced these feelings straight on I've found something a bit different.

Because of OTHER faults such as busyness (especially stress from busyness), being overly compassionate (I still ask IS there such a thing), living in the moment, etc I have allowed not dust to collect on my life, but treasures. These treasures are the consequences of the life I`ve choses to live thus far. "For where your treasure is there your heart is also." There is a thought I haven`t been facing in this effort to simplify. I have been beating myself over every box, every item I put on the stack as I let go of my past. To be honest I have cried over some and smiled over others. I remember dancing to Thunderstruck and slow dancing to The Dance. I remember singing Christmas carols in my dad`s truck and rocking out to Bruce Springsteen . Dire Straits sings a song called Brothers in Arms about growing up from to old age and the greatest treasure we will have here on earth. Its not about what we collect or ends up in our boxes, but those who stand by us and help us in our day to day lives, and if we are lucky we get to help them too.

So here we are at 3 in the morning again after another night of contemplating the meaning of life, and my computer still is giving me visions of a slow swinging sledge hammer. But seriously, if I listen to the USA then life is merely my life, my personal freedoms and the chasing after something making me happy. Call me skeptical but um no! Chasing after doctors to guarantee good health; teachers to guarantee intelligence; bosses to guarantee more money; women to guarantee the chance of companionship. In the starting line of one of my favourite songs, "There must be more than this!"

People pursue God in this same manner. If I go to church regularly and pray sometimes and read my Bible, then I should have food on the table; money in the bank; a roof over my head; good health; a good education; lots of things to entertain myself; a gorgeous companion who thinks about me and my well being.... Are you getting sick too?

This week as I deal with my greatest enemy, no not debt collectors; not well meaning fair weather friends; not addictions; not sin nor Satan; but my pride. My need for things to be there the way I want and the way I expect. The need for me to know and control my own destiny when a chance has been put before me. Yes I need to watch out for busyness, time stealers, and things outside of my control. Yes I need to look after my health, to eat well, sleep better, get some exercise, and think positively towards the world.

My life has been put before me to be person focussed, care for those who don't have the chance to gain a foothold and look to grad at life, to share the weight of life if even for just 5 minutes, to befriend the friendless, and encourage the doubters about their ability to succeed. Here I am in Williams Lake, the place of opportunity where teens, single moms, young adults, the religious or non-religious alike all need 1 thing and that is encouragement and support in their day to day lives. A former resident of Williams Lake once said to see a need is evidence enough you are to meet that need.

With the 5 top youth killers in British Columbia being speeding, alcohol related deaths, not wearing proper safety devises (such as seatbelts), child related cancer, drug related, and suicide why do not more people want to come from larger centers. Well the answer is easy - it hurts less to not talk about it. I never thought I'd shed materialism, commercialism, and my pursuits in order to face the problems of the street, but then I also never pictured giving up clothing, computer parts, and old toys for the sake of space and not for monumental gain. This week as we go out, may our eyes be open and alert to the needs we see around us.

"Two are better than 1 because they have a good return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

I look at my life and I think I've learned wisdom, but in fact it I've seen it right in front of me but slipping through my hands like grains of sand. I think I've learned knowledge but realized that I have books upon books of information and know how to research, but knowledge is elusive too. I can reason with the best of them but what I've come to realize is that reasoning, debating arguing has nothing to do with truth but a poor representation of facts that entirely are devoid of truth. So I am forced to ask what does matter but those who call to us when they need help. Our ability to live compassion through helping, listening, smiling, giving.

It is here where we find ourselves. It is here where we become more than just a shallow shell of potential and see the benefits from years of struggles. I truly don't think one person ever had it easy, but what got them there was the lists of people who had their back.

This is a good time to be alive folks and I'm really enjoying 2008 so far. At this pace I'm hoping to be there for 2009 cuz there will that much more in the opportunity side for us all if we keep giving it our all. Good morning and see you in 8 hours world.

I reached the wall below my window today with only the Tupperware crypt as I call it left. I never thought I`d ever see floor there again. Now with the 2nd and 3rd boxes full of junk and 2 full boxes of clothing to sort through, I see the chance to reduce what I never needed in the first place. I`m downsizing the wires I have so many of plus miscellaneous tech nicknack's which are taking up space in my computer drawer. I even found a box I`m sending to a friend thats value is undecided but will benefit him more than me.

This all leads me to ask why and how did I get here in the first place. I know I`ve said it before, but I already downsized twice to move and yet here I am reducing the same or more than the total of those two times. There are three stacks of papers I`ve put aside so many times they need to be organized by filing or shredding. I have car parts in my apartment too; I think I failed to mention this. I`m shaking my head realizing how stupid it was not to get rid of what I didn`t want in the first place. Could it be my wants where they needed to be in the first place; could it be I was so distracted by other things my wants caused me to cling to what ever I could and my apathy kept me from doing anything about it.

Well here we are going on 3am and I want to get the next box, but I`ve come to realize I also need to do the other things important to me. Things such as sleep, take my pills & vitamins, eat healthy (I`ve already shed over 15 of the Christmas pounds), exercise (something I`m dreadfully sloppy about doing consistently, especially simple things like stretches). Tomorrow I`ll start the work that is set before me, fixing my eyes on my reward for wanting to work hard, wanting to move forward, and wanting to shed encumbrances. Its in my moving forward I find more energy not growing weary or lose heart.

Well I brought down a box full of garbage to the trash today worth of miscellaneous papers and junk and I've barely made a dent out of my boxes and amassed junk.

I threw out 5 of 7 discs of stored information and downsized that info again to less than 1 CD writable worth of information. So not only have I in my efforts to downsize reduced what I have I've been able to reorganize all together. Small 14" LCD monitor or Big Bertha sized 15" flat screened monitor with speakers - I took the LCD. I now have a desk and a plan of attack for the papers on my desk I have to deal with. There we have a living room (except for the garbage box in the middle and the boxes lining the back of the dining room table). My guests will die of shock when they see the improvements around here.

Pulling 1 piece of luggage, putting away 1 pile of dirty laundry and moving 1 box enabled me to see the first 5' of room space in over a month in my room. Looking towards the window there are not as many boxes as I remembered (but never could look to do a real count because of the clutter). The storage room isn't as bad as I remembered either, but still it will be work.

So, there you have it. In 4 days I was able to do what I haven't been able to do since July and that is find our living room; plan my next few months; downsize the amount of junk around the computer desk; organize my computer files; get the computer's RAM functioning to maximum capacity; set up a cleaning schedule for the apartment; setup a grocery shopping list system that works and keeps our costs focussed; figure out where my finances need to be focussed for the next 2 months. Okay, I did not get the letters of support done, but I now have the space to sit down and finish them tomorrow morning. The first run to the thrift store with material is tomorrow and I might feel remorseful after parting with items then but for now I celebrate in the gigabytes of information deleted, kilograms of paper recycled, and square footage I now can say exists on my desk, in my living room, and one can experience when they first enter the apartment.